Loneliness of the Soul

Loneliness of the Soul is what i feel….i don’t truly know what that means but what i know is how i feel! I don’t think, i just feel….because love is felt not thought, it is experienced and not assessed in the practical scale of life. When that love is lost, it is replaced by a loneliness that is unbearable down to the core. That loneliness is felt 24/7 no matter how many people surround you, no matter how busy you are….it is the loneliness caused by a great loss of not only love but spirit as well! That to me is a loneliness of the soul….of my soul that has been torn apart from the other half that it finally found…a half that finally made it complete and gave it a serene, peaceful and loving existence in this world.

So yes, the loneliness of the soul is what I am left with to feel and relive everyday…..because I feel and don’t think…..

 

Never forget to love

Loving you unconditionally was easy but letting you go is harder than I thought. I am not willing to let go because my gut tells me we are meant to be together but then is it my gut or is it my hope that makes me feel that way I wonder? I recently read “You never pass up an opportunity for love even if you don’t know how long it will last because the chance might not come again. Never forget to love!” and with you I took that chance to fall in love because I didn’t want the opportunity to pass and miss out on something so special. I never forgot to love because you taught me the meaning of real, unconditional love. Why then did you yourself forget to love enough? How can a teacher, a lover, a friend become indifferent and forget his own mantras? Aren’t we supposed to practice what we preach and give ourselves completely when we expect the same from others? I question because I fight for what I believe in, what I truly want in life and not because I blame. I question because I hope, I desire and I love you……..and I answer to myself that……I will never forget to love you!

 

How do I stop Loving YOU?

It is hard to let you go if I can’t stop loving you. Although, it is not with regret that i think of you but rather with love because you were the one that always brought a smile to my face. With you next to me, I didn’t care about the world around me. You gave me serenity, peace, love and made me feel complete in every way.

Your eyes spoke to my soul and therein became a harmonious melody that engulfed every particle of my being which always sang to my heart the love song i always heard in my soul. How can i then let go of something so pure and cherished? Afterall, soulful connections are hard to break but I want to be the woman you desire and not just the woman that desires you.

You are the one for whom i can fight the world and change my world as long as i can be a little part of your world! You make me feel complete and your tenderness always brought pure joy to my being. I don’t need anything else in life if i can just have your heart and your love because for me that is above and beyond any possession, any preference or anything in this world. To see you smile, to love you passionately and to walk with you as your strength was all I ever wanted.

How then do I let go of you, of the notion of a life without you, of a tomorrow without feeling your love? How do i stop loving you…..?

 

Isn’t it Ironic, don’t you think?

Isn’t it ironic that the person we don’t want in our life, we cannot get rid of and the person we want more than anything, wants to get rid of us! We hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us!

Murphy’s law i guess and let me tell you……i don’t like this murphy guy who has made life full of so many contradictions! Contradictions that make life so painful and sad at times. Life used to be simple, now its too complicated but then again I was a little girl who wanted to be a big girl to experience the sophistication and complexity of life….now i am a big girl, wishing to be a little girl again so i don’t have to deal with the complexity and pain of the adult life….i want life to be simple again…..it is indeed ironic how we want what we don’t have and don’t want what we do or can have! C’est la vie!

 

A pillar is all I needed

So they say i am strong, i take charge and try to control the wind, influence situations and sway the results! Does that make me a controlling individual, a person who must have their way or no way at all? Does that make me a perfectionist looking to perfect everything to my way, does it make me a ruthless and demanding person?

NO……it makes me a person who is confident, positive, never give up kind of person who is passionate about everything in life. It makes me a person who portrays a strong facade for the benefit of her loved ones, someone who can help encourage others with her positivity, optimistic attitude that is not willing to give up so that her fears and weaknesses don’t discourage or worry her loved ones. Why then people like me become infamous for their passion and take charge attitude? Afterall, just like everyone we also crave a strong pillar of strength against whom we can lean on and rest for a while or forever, someone whose love is forever reliable but it seems like no one is willing to be a pillar for the pillar? If that is so then how is it our fault that we have to be strong to take charge in life, why then do we get accused for leading? Someone has to lead…everyone cannot be a follower. If you are not willing to lead then don’t blame others for leading!

A pillar is all i needed but you weren’t willing to be that for me. So don’t accuse me of swaying the wind because if i don’t then it will blow me away into oblivion where i will be lost forever! I don’t want to be lost again because it hurts too much to be lost without love and life. I don’t have the strength to cope this time….a pillar is all i needed but a weak foundation is all i am left with!

 

How do I?

It’s been over 2hrs of my futile attempts at drifting into sleep so i can stop thinking about you. Never once have you escaped my mind and heart all day…..and this pain is becoming unbearable by the second! I can’t figure out what to do with this hole in my heart….this hole that has caused an emptiness which suffocates me as if i have a plastic bag around my head! All i can think about is you, all i know is the love we once shared and which became unrequited overnight….how do i fill that hole, how do i heal the pain, how do i go on without you….tell me how do i rid myself of you when we once promised each other never to rid us of each other? How do i go on living without you by my side?

 

I still Love You

It’s a gorgeous day today but inspite of the sunshine my world feels overcast! The shadow of sadness, pain, loneliness and incompletion hangs over me. Its amazing how just a little while back i used to be full of sunshine, happiness, love and a sense of being complete despite the days being gloomy and dark. You were the one who filled my life with so much joy and made me feel complete in every way. Why then did you change your mind without making an effort? You brought me peace and serenity and the feeling was mutual but how did that disappear all of a sudden? Why was my undying love, dedication, admiration, and trust not enough anymore? I love you with my heart and soul…..shouldn’t that be enough to give us another chance at a life together? I never asked for priority in your life but never knew that i never even existed anywhere in your life anymore! Why is it that by being so selfless i still was made to feel selfish and unreasonable? Does my love, dedication, selflessness and care for you have no weight that everything that bothers you is more powerful that it replaces all the positivity with negativity and bitterness? You say you still love me and want to be with me but can’t…..is your hurt so powerful that you wont even give me a chance to kiss that pain away, the pain that i unknowingly caused you? I still love you with my heart and soul so can’t you trust me once again with your heart? I wish and pray you would because i cant bear to live a life without you! I still love you my darling……every second of every day with every essence of my being!

 

Love and Pain

I never thought i could fall so hard until it was too late. I now know what it means to fall for someone so hard that your heart and soul feel the extreme pain after you have lost the person. It is the pain that makes me feel so close to you but kills me every second of each passing day. I never thought i was capable of loving someone so much that even breathing in their absence would feel like a thousand needles poking at my heart. It is not an obsession but just pure love that keeps me thinking about you all the time, wondering whether you even think about me at all, whether you still feel something for me, wondering how a joyful union became a painful separation all of a sudden? Love does make one blind that the strongest people fall so hard that they dont even realize when pain creeps up and replaces love with a greater sense of loss that feels unbearable and gives excrutiating pain! Pain then becomes a necessity because if i dont feel the pain then it feels like i am not alive and not close to my beloved! Interesting phenomena this bittersweet pain is….something that makes my lonely existence unbearable but something that i cannot live without feeling every moment of every day! Give me my love if you want to take my pain but since you cannot do that, leave me with my pain and dont even think about robbing me of this feeling that has become a part of my being….my being that is absolutely and positively still in love with you!

 

A good cry….that’s all i need!

Do you ever get the feeling that you need a good cry? Do you ever hear a song and just want to keep listening and crying to it? Then you are a definite hopless romantic lost in your fantasy world who just wants the comfort of their out of control emotions being expressed in the form of tears. I am one such hopless romantic who just needs a good cry sometimes and needs to wallow in her sorrow. I am not ashamed of my sensitivity for suppressed emotions are more dangerous than expressed ones! I rather share how i feel than suppress them but at times others assume us to be emotional fools and weak. Little do they know that we are strong due to our emotions as they lead to passion which is very important in making any relationship work! My Passion is the food for my soul and it keeps the fire of love burning inside me. Those who dont understand the depth of this passion are unfortunate for they dont experience the complete depth and breadth of my love for them. It is the same love i try to give them but they cannot see it because they cannot see past their own needs, wants, desires, and pride! So when i experience such ignorance, my heart just bleeds through the tears of my eyes! At least it makes me feel better for a little while until i am ready for a good cry again…a good cry that is all i need to drown my sorrows, a good cry to make me feel connected to my emotions…a good cry is all i need to feel alive!

 

I Love You

I love you….3 words that are so powerful yet so over-used that the true essence of their gentle verbal caress gets lost some times. To love is to truly surrender ones heart and soul to their beloved but does the beloved recognize the sanctity of that surrender is the true test? The test of their undying love that was expressed with those 3 pious words or is it the test of their true character to see if they are truly ready to bind themselves in each other’s magic? The magic of their emotions that once became a mesmerizing potion which over-powered them inside and out to cause an explosive feeling of so many different colors of life……..colors that blinded them with complete love and passion and made them believers of second chances……..are they READY for their second chance is the true question?